Top Ten Reasons Jhonny Peralta should retire...Now

Instead of a game-recap tonight, we're stopping to a new level and making fun of Jhonny Peralta, because tonight was atrocious. Many jokes about his name, his defense, and his eyes.

I present to you, Letterman style, the Top Ten Reasons Jhonny Peralta should retire...Now

NUMBER 10

If Peralta were to retire he could play in the local softball rec-league, where he'd not only get to play shortstop, he'd be good at it because he'd share it with another player, further increasing his range and making him the superior defensive player he never was.

NUMBER 9

In retirement, he could return to the Dominican Republic with his wife, Molly, where she'd be safe from all Arizona scorpion bites.

NUMBER 8

He'd finally beat Omar Vizquel in something other than with home runs... Retiring first.

NUMBER 7

With plenty of time now that he's retired, Peralta can open up a restaurant, where the main dish would be soup served in bowls with holes in the bottom shaped like a baseball glove to resemble Peralta's real-life playing glove.

NUMBER 6

Now with no baseball to worry about, Peralta can brush up on his English and become the full-time celebrity sponsor for LASIK eye-surgery. His commercial will show some of his greatest defensive plays ever, compiled from the September 2nd game against Detroit in 2009.

NUMBER 5

In addition to brushing up on English, Peralta will have plenty of time to eat a few more twinkies. Andy Marte will join him after he retires from the Cleveland Indians organization, where he took over for Peralta at third and became a Hall of Famer.

NUMBER 4

Jhonny could open up a clinic back in the Dominican to teach youngster how not to field a baseball. He'll also show them how to lose range and mobility by attaching cinder-blocks to his ankles.

NUMBER 3

Since he'd have no contractual obligations, or pressure to perform, Peralta will hit 844 home runs in the previously mentioned rec soft ball league. This breaks the modern single-season record set by Mark Sansaver, in Kenny Mayne's backyard wiffle ball league.

NUMBER 2

He could join the NBA, where slow first-halves are mandatory and strong second-halves are welcomed. Peralta could also double as an actor, where he could play the son of Pedro Cerano, "Jose Cerano" in a new sequel to the hit movie Major League called: Major League - The New Era.

AND... The NUMBER 1 reason Jhonny Peralta should retire...Now is...

Personally add "Jhonny" to every single computer's spell check so it doesn't suggest they change it to Johnny Peralta.

BONUS: Jhonny Peralta's mottos to live by.

"Why play third when I can play short."

"If you can't see the baseball, maybe your just blind."

"Why swing at the fastball when you can swing at everything?"

"Slow? No, I'm just in my home-run trot all the time." or "Slow? Maybe now that Victor is gone."

"Pulling is just as good as going the other way. Either way, it's going over the fence."

"Two is better than one, unless this is golf or I'm a pitcher."

"Dive? Only when the ball is slow enough."